You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

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If you know something is right, if you know that acting a certain way, or even feeling a certain way is the way to maintain your tranquility, then why don’t you do it?

I will get to the point:  It is through your will that you can maintain your tranquility.  To act according to your philosophy during the most trying of times requires great effort, but to be a person of virtue you must do this.  You must, through sheer mental exertion, act how you know you should act!

Here on the site, I write about a philosophical world view that includes being aware of what you can and cannot control, that fate largely determines our future, and that everything is impermanent.  You may agree with this view in its entirety or you may disagree with parts or even all of it.  Regardless of your opinion on the matter, I do think that living a life of tranquility requires two major steps:

  1. Establish your philosophy (How do I live?)
  2. Live by that philosophy

Because it may be where most of us philosophers fail, I want to address that second part today.  Assuming you have established some semblance of what is the way to live, then what does it take to actually live according to what you know to be virtuous?  Let’s break this down a little.  Let’s just take one small example.

In my philosophy, I know that I cannot control the actions of those around me.  Occasionally, I am confronted by someone who is a complete jackass.

Picture of an Ass

Picture of a jackass

I don’t mean that they are being a jackass today, but I mean a person who, by the sum of their actions, is a jackass (see definition here).  Assuming that I must deal with this person, at least for a time, what do I do?  First, I must determine (a) how I act with this person?  For my own tranquility though, I must establish (b) how I feel about and because of this person?

(a) I do not return their rudeness, attitude, and demeanor in kind.  Some of us may be tempted to do this, but most of us find this step fairly easy to complete, although it does cause us stress.  In any case, this is easier than the next part of my reaction to this jackass, and that leads to…

(b) I do not let their action affect my emotion, viewpoint and general attitude of the world around me.  This, I think, is the tough part.  It is by sheer force of will, by having complete awareness and exerting effort that I execute this very important step and maintain my tranquility and my virtue.  In many cases, I may need to maintain my interaction (e.g., a family member, an important client, my boss), so I may need use my mental will constantly.  In many cases, you may have the option to discontinue the interaction, and I do not discourage this if you have the option (for example, find a new job, look for new clients, etc.).  In any case, you must first decide whether a continued interaction is important to you; then regardless of what you decide, you maintain your tranquility through your own effort.

Sheer Force!

Sheer Force!

The bottom line here is that tranquility is yours to control, and this requires effort of will.  Your philosophy is there for you to use it in the toughest of times, and when these challenges arise you will be required to act according to what you know to be true:  that your virtue is maintained by you regardless of external influence.

To act according to what you know to be best is not always easy, but you must do so, no?

Ten Things I am Grateful For (Changing My Attitude)

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Happiness is a state of mind…blah, blah, blah, blah.   Great, thanks for the advice, how does that really help me?  Happiness is a state of mind?  Seriously how is that supposed to help me?  I know that!  The real question is, how do I change my mind?  More precisely, how do I change my state of mind to be happy.

Well, one way is to list things you are grateful for.  This morning I came up with a list of 10 things I am grateful for.  When I started, I wanted it to be a “Top 10” things I am grateful for, but as I kept thinking I realized that it would be difficult to say which things would be in the “top 10.”  In any case, these are the first 10 things I thought of.

  1. No Pain – Some people, when they open their eyes in the morning feel pain immediately.  Maybe in their joints, their back, their head, stomach, etc.  I am very fortunate.  As I age, I think I have more and more aches and pains, but I do not have anything I would classify as chronic pain.  I am very grateful that my body has yet to rebel on me.
  2. My Wife – I am grateful for my wife.  I do not want to be too sentimental here, although I could get that way.  I could write post after post of things I am grateful for about my wife.  For this list, however, I will limit my gratefulness to 2 major things about my wife that I am grateful for.  First, I am grateful that I managed to find someone who is comaptible enough with me that living with her is possible.  I take for granted, that many end up with a mate that is so incompatible that they are doomed to difficulty or divorce from the start.  Not so with my wife and I.  We have our differences certainly, but these are things we tweak here and there.  Next, is the fact that she gives a damn…about our relationship.  My wife loves and cares for US.   She makes an effort to build our relationship; when I make the effort she returns it, sometimes ten-fold.  I mention this because I often take this for granted.  She exerts effort to keep our relationship strong.  I know that this is not always the case with others.  Many people just give up on their relationships.
  3. Children (mine) – I have 5 children.  Each of them provides me with a different perspective on life.  In their own way, they each decipher the world for me through a different lens.  It is very difficult to put into words how each of them brings me joy and insight.  A little embarrassingly, they also make me very proud…I shouldn’t really have pride, should I?
  4. Food – It is not lost on me, that I have never had to worry about if I would get my next meal.  Certainly, not always a feast, but I have had some of those as well.
  5. Shelter – I have more than enough space, conditioned air, electricity, running safe water, and all the other amenities of a standard U.S. home.  I often think to myself that my residence would be considered a manor if I were to transport it back in time 100 years.  Take it further back, maybe 300 years, and it would be the grandest castle in all the world.  It’s amazing how lucky you can consider yourself when you think through the 4th dimension of time.
  6. My Mind – I am grateful that my reasoning faculties are intact.  This certainly may not last forever.  I have observed that my mind has indeed slowed down.  I have seen grandparents devolve into dementia (although from their perspective, this may actually be a blessing), and I can see others who have lost or are just losing their mind around me.
  7. Ice Cream – Do I really need to explain?  Sidenote:  I mix in peanut butter.  It’s weird and makes it even worse for me, but makes for a breathtaking occasional treat!  Also, ice cream is not food like in #4…it’s a completely different category.

    It's missing peanut butter.

    It’s missing peanut butter.

  8. Negative Examples – All around me, people are rude, proud, and lying.  They are violent, they don’t listen.  They judge me, in my opinion, without all the facts too soon.  They are ambitious to the point of greed and sometimes to obsession.  I am so grateful for this.  This is an opportunity for me to see my own dark side, to see it from outside of me.  When you see these things in another, you can address them in yourself…and use this as an antidote not to be like that.
  9. Life is a Path – I am glad that I was born basically knowing nothing.  I am glad that my parents taught me their view on life.  I am glad that society tried to teach me “norms.”  I am glad for organized religion, too.  Much of what I was taught I rejected, but I was challenged to do so on the path.  I am glad I once thought one way so strongly, in order that I was forced to defend my beliefs; as a result, I realized I was wrong.  So many thoughts, beliefs and philosophies I have had, all to lead to right now, which I am very grateful for.  …and the journey continues.Autumn Path C
  10. The Sun – I certainly take this for granted.  No matter what, the food you eat, the electricity we generate, the wood and steel we use, the plants….everything…all of Gaia…originates in the energy of the sun.  So perfectly placed from our planet, stable enough that it warms us and doesn’t fry us.  Close enough that we don’t freeze to death…it’s existence, simply amazing!

    Ball of energy!

    Ball of energy!

  11. The Internet – I guess this one is a bonus.  Used in moderation, the internet is a wonderful thing.  Information, communication, love, hate, play, business, fun…it’s a virtual world.  I am sure that if we never had the internet we would not miss it, but now that it is here, I really appreciate it.

So, in case you were wondering how to change your attitude and appreciate your world, there it is.  Maybe you are grateful for some of the things on my list, too.

What if My Life isn’t “Disney World”

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In my post “How Should I Go,” I likened our life to a trip to Disney World:  regardless of what you may want to do next, eventually the trip must end.  Part of what makes a vacation so special is that one gets to experience joyful things that they never have before, and might not experience again…maybe forever, maybe not for a long time.   Life can be like that, too.  In a vacation world, each day has something to offer us, and every moment has something special in it, but again, it won’t last forever.

Disney can be dark.

Disney can be dark.

However, I am talking about externals here, aren’t I?  And, when we talk about externals not all of them are so pleasant.  For many, the conditions of life are not like a vacation, but as prison or as a gulag.  For many, there are great struggles that face them.  For most of us, the reality lies somewhere in between vacation and gulag, but let’s discuss our worst case condition.

Indeed, some of us are experiencing external struggles: hunger, unemployment, sickness or death of loved ones, or poverty.  Others are engaged in a great internal personal struggle:  depression, grief, personal sickness, injury.  Let’s face it, for many of us, life is not Disney World…hardly.  Life may be a place we would rather leave as soon as possible.  Most who endure these struggles do not leave.  For most, the will to survive is innate.  Certainly, humankind would not have been around for all of these years if this desire to survive wasn’t built into our code.

Many who endure their struggles can be described as enduring “stoically.”  In modern usage, the term “stoic” refers to a person who grits his teeth and endures existence, never complaining about the pain and tribulation that he must endure.  Unfortunately, this modern interpretation is only half-right.  The Stoic, as referred to by me, is more than just indifferent to the negative pressure around her, but in addition she is also aware that happiness is found internally, through our reason.  Through our own deduction of what is true, we live as a Stoic not only to endure but to be at peace.

A much better view from the outside of Alcatraz

A much better view from the outside of Alcatraz

This peace, this tranquility is found in being aware of the good, by using reason to know what is in my control and what is not.  In that there is tranquility.  So, even if life has given us an inordinate amount of burden to bear, that goodness is still within.  Even if we are not at Disney World, we can find great happiness in our virtue.  Moreover, even in prison there can be things to be grateful for.  First and foremost is our thought…which no one can and nothing should penetrate.

“Tribunal and prison are distinct places, one high, the other low; but your will, if you choose to keep it the same in both, may be kept the same. So we shall emulate Socrates, but only when we can write songs of triumph in prison.”  Epictetus Discourses Book 2 Chapter 6

Simply, put my attitude is where I begin to find my own tranquility.  But how do I change my attitude?  Well, that requires another post, doesn’t it?  Probably several.

How should I go?

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Taking a little detour here from “we.”  Going back to a “me” topic.  Well, maybe there is some “we” as well.  In any case…

Sometimes I wonder how I would prefer to meet my own death.  I don’t mean method of death.  Movie series like Final Destination or Saw, and countless others seem to gruesomely explore these possibilities.  It’s human nature to wonder about how we will die, that is what makes such movies alluring, but that is not I am talking about today.  What I am talking about is the “when.”  What I mean is I sometimes wonder how much time I would have from my knowing that I was dying to when I actually kicked the bucket.  If I go in a flash, I won’t be pondering my demise with acute urgency.  If I take years, indeed I would feel the pressure to tie up any loose ends.  It really doesn’t matter at this point, because I have no knowledge or control of how the end will come.  At this point, nobody has informed me that I have a terminal illness, or asked me to perform a life or death mission.  At this point, my death is completely in the hands of fate, and completely out of my control…completely unknown to me.  As far as I know, it is not imminent…although, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.


It seems that when it comes to my eventual death, there are two main issues I think I should focus on:

  1. Being Ready
  2. Loose Ends

Being Ready (Preparing for Death)

Shouldn’t I always be ready?  Isn’t that one of the essential tenets of living the philosophical life?  Shouldn’t I always be ready for my death?  What is the difference if a doctor tells me I have 2 months to live or not?  Aren’t I dying already?  I am in the process of death right now: my hair is graying, my stamina in just about everything is less than when I was 18, I can’t eat spicy food any more, I am unable to even tolerate eating ice cream (which I still love).  In short, these are all signs of my slow and eventual demise.  Nature is already telling me, “you are going to die.”  The only difference from that dreaded doctor news is the time span and the assumed authority (we tend to believe doctors when they tell us we aren’t going to make it, even though many defy the odds).

So, isn’t my goal to mentally be that doctor?  To stare myself down and say, “you only have about 40 more years to live, maybe less…maybe a LOT less.  It could be days, we just aren’t sure.  I’ve got to be upfront with you, there is a slight possibility that you might not make it through the day.”  It’s the truth, isn’t it?  Well, if I can admit that is the case, then shouldn’t I be ready.  Shouldn’t I always be aware that every moment is precious?  Absolutely!

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once."--Shakespeare

“The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once.”–Shakespeare

Loose Ends

Do I really need time to tie up loose ends?  When would be a good time to die?  Before my wife?  After?  After my kids are grown?  After they are married?  After grandchildren?  Great-grandchildren?  Certainly, after I purchase life insurance.  So many loose ends, and no way to tie them all up before I go, no matter how long I have.  And there is the heart of the matter…I cannot possibly tie up all the loose ends before I die.  Remember, that your life is on loan to you for the time that is allotted.  You can try and try, but there will always be more you may wish to have experienced.  For some, this life may be like that trip to Disney World, that they never want to end…but it must end, even though you wished you could have spent more time at the Magic Kingdom.

No matter how together you are.  No matter how prepared you are for your own death, there will always be things that are undone.  There will be loose ends.  In my case, I think my goal is to make that clear to those who might miss me.  First, I suppose is to ensure that they will miss me, by my action and character.  After that, I must remind them (albeit gently) that life will go on when I am gone.  Hopefully, some people will miss me, but most likely they will go on, maybe occasionally touched by the sadness of my departure, but mostly unaffected in their outlook on life despite my permanent absence.  This is my hope anyway, and I think for the most part, it is true.

There are two main points about loose ends.  First, that you will likely depart before you and others desire.  More importantly though, eventually most (perhaps all) will go on quite peacefully without you.  So, there will be loose ends, but I think most of them will be centered around your own desires to want a little more “magic.”  Most of those loose ends can be tied by someone else who remains.  Eventually, people will go to Disney without you.

This is how I should face my end:  Always ready, aware that there will be loose ends when I go, and that those loose ends will eventually be tied.

I Kissed my Wife Today (“We” Part 4)

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Lately, my wife has had some health issues.  They might not be a big deal, but for all we know they may be something very serious.  There are still more tests and investigations to be done before there is complete clarity and relief.  More than likely, modern medicine will find some health irregularity, and then she’ll be treated and she’ll feel better, but that is only in the short term.  Eventually, either she or I will come face to face with our end on Earth, and the other must face this loss as well.  Eventually, one of us will somehow meet our maker.  The odds are good that someday one of us may receive some news that many are not prepared for, someday some doctor may look us in the eye and say that one of us is dying, and it could be very quickly.

In any case, I began reflecting on my wife’s health.  I  realized that someday she might not be with me.  Nobody likes to think of these things, but the fact of the matter is that those you love may be gone from you, sooner than you want them to be.  You would have thought that reflecting on this might have depressed me.  Quite the contrary, I chose to notice that my wife was with me today, and how lucky I am to have her.  I was filled with gratitude.  Completely filled with gratitude.

With this gratitude welled up inside me, I kissed my wife.  This was no normal kiss.  I really appreciated her, right then and there.  I really, really felt it.  The gratitude that I had was overwhelming.  Why was it so overwhelming?  Why had I forgotten how grateful I should be that she is with me?  I think it is because I had lost my awareness that everything is impermanent (Click here, then here, then here).  My time with her is transitory, just like everything else.

My goal as a Stoic sage is to always know that she is a gift to me.  Every moment, every day I should know that our time here together is limited.  As a result, I should feel grateful and relish every moment with this great gift to me.  A gift that has lasted 20 years so far.  I hope for many, many more years but it is only hope.  How long we remain together is out of our control.

In the meantime, I will appreciate every moment with her.