10 Things You Can Do Right Now to be Helpful (“We” Part 3)

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Another way you can take care of the “we,” in your life is to go out of your way to do something nice for those closest to you.

In my first “we” post I listed who I considered to be part of my close circle (those who I consider to be the “we” in my life).  Remember:

  1. My spouse or beloved
  2. My children
  3. My extended family (Parents, Brothers and Sisters)
  4. Coworkers
  5. Neighbors (on my street)
  6. Close Friends

So, for these people you can do any of these things:

  1. Wash the dishes for them (I was thinking of my wife and kids on this one.  It might be a little strange to walk up to your neighbor’s door and offer to wash their dishes).
  2. Mow the lawn for themmowing
  3. [Offer to] watch the/their children while they take care of errands, shop, or go to the spa.
  4. Teach them about philosophy (or just plain right or wrong…like your kids).
  5. Ask them, “How are you doing?”  and really mean it.  Wait for an answer. Just listen.
  6. Offer your professional services at a discount or for free (accountant, tax prep, personal training, electrician or whatever you may be good at/certified to do).
  7. Let them know about opportunities that they might be interested in.  Of course, you would have to know them fairly well to have a good idea if it would be right for them.
  8. Help them with an annual household chore: cleaning gutters, changing air filters, raking leaves, removing a stump, changing oil.
  9. Talk with them, be friendly, make the effort to connect without being nosy or pushy.
  10. For your coworkers, help them with a work project when they need it.
  11. Always be tactfully honest with them.  (An example of not being tactful is if a coworker is having a “bad hair day” and you say, “Oh my gosh, your hair looks terrible!”  Depending on your closeness to the individual this might be OK, right?)

Washing dishes

Just a few suggestions for looking after “us.”  Of course some of these are more or less appropriate based on the situation.

 

Really, Really Listening (“We” Part 2)

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So, how about REALLY listening to those around you?  Once you master that, then maybe you can go out and fix the world beyond. I cannot tell you how many times I have committed to doing this…to really listening.  I would compare this effort to speeding, when I was younger.  NOTE:  Now, I regularly drive about 5-7 MPH over the speed limit.  I do not do this for safety or because I think that the speed limits are correct.  It is just not worth it to me to get a ticket AND have my time wasted by a stop.  Anyway, back in the day I would speed EVERYWHERE, then I would get a ticket and drive around at speed limit-speeds for 6 months.  Eventually, my probation would expire and my carefulness would wear off.  Then, I would speed again.

This is a lot like how I listen in my life.  I am ALWAYS preoccupied with something (with a lot of things, actually).  My child, my wife, or a coworker will be talking to me and I suddenly realize that I was not listening.  Even worse, the talker will realize it and then ask, “Are you listening to me?”  BUSTED!  Whether I realize it or I am busted by the speaker, this is like getting that speeding ticket.  It is time to slow down and really listen.  But how do I do that?  My favorite way to do that is called Active Listening.

This is not active listening!

This is not active listening!

There are many way to actively listen, but here’s my technique:

  1. Stop what you are doing (no typing, watching TV, texting, writing, etc.).
  2. Turn and look at the speaker (as long as you are with the speaker).
  3. Really, really try to comprehend; stop thinking of other things.
  4. Do not formulate rebuttals in you mind.  Be open to what you hear.
  5. When there is a pause, repeat what the speaker is saying in your mind.
  6. When the message has been delivered, then you can paraphrase what the speaker has said to you:  “So let me see, what you are saying is…”
  7. Ask questions at opportune times, if you do not understand:  “One moment, did you mean that…?”
  8. Take the time afterward to reflect on what someone has told you.  If you are unclear, follow up with them.  This shows that you took the time to receive the message and have thought it through.

This is just one way to be virtuous with your “we.”  Your interactions with those closest to you define who you are.  If I am not listening to them, then I am not a good listener, and that does not honor those closest to me who are trying to communicate with me.

 

Epictetus: Philosopher Humor

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Here is an example of Epictetus’ humor from his Discourses Book 1, Chapter 26:

“I know a man who clung to the knees of Epaphroditus [a philosopher] in tears and said he was in distress, for he had nothing left but a million and a half [dollars]. What did Epaphroditus do? Did he laugh at him, as we should? No, he was astonished, and said, ‘Unhappy man, how ever did you manage to keep silence and endure it?”

“We”: Taking Care of Us, and not Solving World Hunger

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Late nights with college friends, long flights with aircrew over the ocean, discussions at family gatherings, social parties, and poker games…it seems that I have discussed “how things should be” with thousands of people.  I have heard countless opinions on how the world “should be.”  I certainly have a few of my own.  We can ironically refer to these conversations as “solving world hunger.”  Dialogue below:

  • Questioner: “What did you do last night?”
  • Me: “We solved world hunger.” (Translation;  We talked, talked, talked, about all of the things we think we could fix about the world, and basically accomplished nothing…but it was fun.)

So often, I reach for the moon and stars with my mind, thinking I can have an effect.  I get frustrated at the entire world around me, and how messed up it seems at times.  I want to fix it.  If I were king of the world, I certainly could.  In the end, all this thought and talk about “solving world hunger” is just talk.  It has very little impact.

“If I were the king of the world, I tell you what I’d do.  I’d throw away the cars and the bars, and the war, and make sweet love to you”–Three Dog Night from “Joy to the World”

You probably won't solve world hunger.

You probably won’t solve world hunger.

So then how do I make an impact, after I am ready to serve?  Well, this is where I start contemplating “we.”  By “we,” what do I mean?  Well, let me start a list of people I think of as “we”:

  1. My spouse or beloved
  2. My children
  3. My extended family (Parents, Brothers and Sisters)
  4. Coworkers
  5. Neighbors (on my street)
  6. Close Friends

Certainly, I should not continually and focus on me alone.  However, when I am ready to serve, it certainly should begin with those closest to me.  The philosopher has to determine who the “we” are (or is).  Above I have listed my “we.”  Some people think that every human, plant, and animal in the world is their “we.”  More power to them.  I claim that they have overextended their efforts.  I propose that they have minimized their impact by trying to control what they cannot, and by diverting their precious resources away from what they can control.  The closer the radius, the greater likelihood that there is control.

I will end this entry, with one simple exercise that you can practice in your interactions with your “we.”  For one day (or one week if you dare), maintain your patience with your spouse/significant other and/or your children.  When you feel impatience with them setting in, take some breaths and realize that they are not yours, that they are independent of you.  Then, really listen to them!  Their actions are completely out of your control, but your REACTIONS to them are completely in your control.

Try really listening to your loved ones.

Try really listening to your loved ones.

Good luck!  You know the exercise won’t be easy.  Please let me know how it went.