The Tension of an Internal Struggle


I will soon return to my discussion on the Three Yes’s on My Deathbed.  For now, though I simply share an internal struggle that I am currently waging.

I am currently faced with several deadlines of some projects that I must complete.  Each of these projects requires a solitary, inward toil and deep personal, undistracted thought.  In short, I must focus on the work alone, by myself, ignoring those around me.  I must do this within the matter of a few days.  These deadlines draw me inward, make me ignore those around me.  This is temporary, I know, but there is a tension.  This has been going on for weeks now.  I feel like the distant father and husband.  My wife understands this, that sometimes the duties of life call for you to focus on a task at the expense of communicating with those around you.

My children are another story…my sharing with them is on a deadline just like those projects.  You can wait and wait, put off playing catch with your son or reading with your daughter because you have things to do, but if you do that long enough, POOF, they are grown, and you have missed your opportunity.  In fact, the time with my wife is also on a deadline.  Eventually, our time together will be gone as well.

Therein lies the tension.  The projects I am pursuing, essentially my work, are intertwined with my duty to my family.  These projects are not something I am performing independent of my familial duty, but in large part are because of it.  However, the solitary nature of the work, the isolation from others is diametrically opposed to the attention I want to give them now.  For now, I am lonely, yearning to be present with them.  Just a few more days, weeks, months, and some of these tasks will have come to fruition, then I will turn to my loved ones with full attention.  I will balance these forces soon, but when?

“When I get my back pension, you kids won’t eat mush any more.”–‘Ol Cap from The Little Rascals

Someday, we will not eat mush.  Isn’t that the dream?

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